Tears
by XxTassBxX
Summary: Set after the #Holbyriots. Nick comes to terms with what has happened to Yvonne. A Nick/Yvonne pairing with some hints of Zoe.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: "Tears"**

**Rating: K+**

**Pairing: Nick Jordan and Yvonne Rippon**

**Summary: Set after the #Holbyriots. Nick comes to terms with what has happened to Yvonne. A Nick/Yvonne pairing with some hints of Zoe.**

**Author's notes: So, I decided to write a new story but this time based upon Nick and Yvonne and is set a day after the #Holbyriots. This story is only going to be two chapters, three at most. You will all know from my previous stories that I'm not used to writing about Nick with anyone else but Zoe so this is going to be an interesting challenge for me. This story is going to be completely from Nick's point of view. Please feel free to give constructive critism about this as it will be useful for other stories like this I plan to write. As always, spelling and grammatical errors are my own fault. Enjoy! :)**

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Beautiful.

There are no other words I could use to describe her right now. Even as she lays there, motionless, her beauty still radiates through. Her long dark hair is sprawled elegantly across the pillow and her cheeks are stark white. She looks angelic but that's what I'm worried about. I don't want her to become angel, not yet...

A few hours earlier we'd been happy. Well we had an argument but compared to this situation, it was nothing. A few angry words spoken didn't compare to what the woman in front of me was going through. I can't think of anything that would. What could possibly be worse than facing this? A fight for your own life. It's not fair. She doesn't deserve anything that's happening to her right now.

I shake as I take hold of her slightly clammy hand. I squeeze it lightly praying for a response but nothing. Not even a movement of her fingers. As I move my gaze from her hands back to her face, I can't help but take in a deep intake of breath. This image of her is not what I want engraved in my mind. This helpless figure, relying on the latest medical advances to keep be kept alive. Despite her peaceful state, the room that she inhabits is far from it. The constant sound of footsteps whirls around the resuscitation unit with us in the eye of the storm. They say that the eye is meant to be the most calm and in this situation, they certainly aren't wrong. We seem to be the only ones still. The sound of the monitor is beginning to grate on my ears. Apart from the footsteps, it's the only the noise that has been fixed in the room. With every beep, I wonder. I wonder whether this will be the moment when she wakes up.

My hand flinches a little as a drop of water falls upon it although I barely recognise it as being my own tears. My mind is too firmly set upon my darling girl. I can't bear to think of anything else but her and the struggles she is facing. If I could take all this pain away from her then I would. I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can't. It's completely out of my control. I'm not even able to treat her! I understand why though. I can't care for her because I wouldn't be objective. I'd be bias because of my personal feelings for her in other words. I suppose it's for the best. I want her to receive the best care possible and she can't have that if I'm treating her. It pains me to say it though. I want to be the only one to look after her. To keep her safe and to prevent anything else from happening to her.

I am suddenly aware of a presence behind me. I can sense them hovering over me. They aren't saying anything but I suppose they want to adhere to the strict rule of no talking this room has undertaken. I can feel a light breeze on the back of my neck. They seem to be closer to me than I thought if I can feel their breath. Out of the corner of my eye, I suddenly see a hand rest upon my shoulder. The other persons hand seems to be massaging my shoulder in an attempt to relax me. Or calm me? Whatever the reason, I think it's working. I swiftly feel more at ease. I tilt my head sideways a little. I just want to see who it is.

Zoe.

My former lover. My best friend. The one who had always been there for me.

I used to love her so much. More than anything else in the world. A couple of years ago, I couldn't actually imagine life without her. That was until the truth came out. She broke my heart. She'd lied about something I believed was real. A baby. She knew how much becoming a father meant to me but she still misled me. I know I can't blame her entirely though. She wanted it as much as me. I could see it in her eyes whenever we used to talk about the prospect of parenthood. I still wonder what it would have been like to have a child with her. What kind of parents would we have been? Would motherhood have calmed down Zoe? I guess I'll never find out about that now.

Zoe suddenly moves away from me, moving over towards the other side of the room. I don't want her to leave me on my own even though technically speaking I'm not. I watch her fumble around in the corner of the room and then pick up a stool. As she walks back over to me, I breathe a sigh of relief. She's staying.

"I wish she'd just wake up" My voice is a whisper but Zoe hears. She places a hand upon my knee and rests her head on my shoulder. I'm not sure what this body language means. Is it comfort or is it more than that?

"She's strong Nick. She'll get through it" Zoe's voice sounds slightly hoarse as if she's been crying. I want to ask why but I'd rather not speak any more. I feel exhausted. It's hardly surprising considering I've spent most of night sat here awake despite others telling me not too. Why do they say I should go home and sleep? If they were in my position they would behave in exactly the same way. They wouldn't want to leave their loved ones bedside.

My mind suddenly wanders towards the attacker. Yvonne's attacker. What state are they in now. Are they still in the ED or have they left here? I want to find out but I'd rather not leave Yvonne. My restlessness alerts Zoe. Her head rises from my shoulder. I look at her. She's staring right back at me. I can know clearly see that her eyes are red and puffy. She's been crying.

"Go and have a rest. I'll stay with her" Zoe says softly to me. I nod reluctantly. I know I'm use to Yvonne or anyone else for that matter in this state. I stand up slowly. My knee's make a cracking sound from where they have stayed in the same position for hours. As I walk towards the resuscitation unit exit, I glance back and smile slightly. Zoe has moved into my chair and is leaning in towards the bed, clutching Yvonne's hand. She's taken up my role for the time being and I'm grateful to Zoe for doing that.

I push the doors open and I freeze. It's such a different atmosphere to resus. People and talking and laughing as they go about their work. I suddenly start to feel weird. My head is spinning. I rest myself up against the wall to try and steady myself. I think it's the loud noise. I've been in the quiet for hours and I don't feel used to all this busy bustling around me. After a few seconds, I raise my head to look around and I notice a few people looking in my direction. I know they are talking about me because as soon as I make eye contact with them, they look away quickly and continue with what they were doing. If they have something to say to me then I'd rather they just say it. They're the least of my worries though.

As I head to the staffroom, I get the same looks but I'm just ignoring them. I can't be bothered to deal with it right now. The door feels like a lead weight as I push the door open. As well as tiredness, my muscles ache. I just feel so weak.

I'm glad there is no one else in here. There's no one that has to see me like this.

The sofa at the end of the room looks so inviting as I stumble over towards it. Slumping down onto the sofa, my eyes begin to feel heavy, heavier than they felt earlier when I was with Yvonne. It's not ideal have a rest in the staffroom but it's not fair for me to take up the on call room when others who are on shift need it. As soon as I put my head down onto the arm of the sofa, I feel my eyes close and I seem to drift off to sleep...

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**So, how was that then? I hope to upload the next chapter within the next couple of weeks! Please give a little review! I'd welcome input into what you would like to happen next!**

**X Natasha X**


	2. Chapter 2

It was only as I gradually opened my eyes that I was able to recognise a hazy figure in the room with me. At first, I felt dread. I was mortified that someone might see me laying asleep on this tiny sofa. I mean, I'm there boss. It's not the sort of thing you'd expect your boss to be doing. However, as my eyes fully opened, the blurred presence became clear and I felt myself sigh heavily. It's Charlie. He's just stood there, leant up against the staffroom worktop. I knew Charlie won't judge me for sleeping here. He's one of the few people, along with Zoe, who really understands me and cares.

I feel as if he has been waiting for me to wake up. Either that, or he's just been there to keep an eye on me. Under Zoe's orders.

The position I'm in on the sofa is far from comfortable. My arm is tingling from where I have laid on it during my slumber. I try and shuffle around quietly, hoping that Charlie hasn't noticed I've awoken. Too late. As I move around, he looks over to me, a small smile situated on his face. As soon as I see this smile, I'm reminded of why I can't respond in the same way.

Yvonne.

How can I smile when she's still so ill? She's still lying, unconscious. My beautiful girl is fighting for her life. There's nothing to smile about now.

"How are you feeling Nick?" Charlie voice echoes through my head. What sort of question is that? How does he think I'd be feeling? I then suddenly scold myself in my head, annoyed that I've said that about Charlie. He's only looking out for me and I should be grateful for that.

"Not brilliant" I answer honestly. Charlie is nodding back at he me. I can sense he doesn't want to ask too many questions. He gestured towards a coffee mug that's placed upon the worktop but I shake my head. I don't think I could eat or drink anything at the moment without feeling ill. Sitting up, I catch my reflection in the window looking out into the ED. I look a complete state, I think to myself as I hurriedly do up the top two button of my shirt. I probably wouldn't be so bothered about my appearance if I was someone else and not clinical lead. I feel as if I need to keep looking and acting as if I'm head of this department although in truth, I really couldn't give a damn! My mind suddenly wanders towards the time. Oh god, how long have I been asleep for? I quickly peer at the clock on the wall and I notice Charlie follow my gaze.

"You've only been asleep for a couple of hours" Charlie says. Honestly, that man must be able to read my mind! With a shaky sigh, I heave myself off of the sofa. I need to see Yvonne and make sure that she's fine. I know that Zoe would have let me know if there had been any change but I want to see her anyway. I want to sit with her and hold her hand. I want her to know that I'm still here and haven't abandoned her.

A low humming sound attracts both of our attention at the side of the room. Charlie wanders over and picks up my phone which is making the sound. He holds it up so I can see the screen clearly. It's Diana.

I know Yvonne hasn't been in contact with her mother for over ten years but surely her mother has a right to know about Yvonne's condition. I do feel slightly guilty though. I went through Yvonne's phone to find her mother's number. I wasn't sure if the number would still be viable but luckily enough, Diana obviously hadn't decided to upgrade her phone. I take the phone from Charlie and read the text message that Diana has sent. It's simple enough.

_**Diana - 'Which hospital is she in?'**_

I suppose I was expecting slightly more emotion within the text but if Yvonne hasn't spoken to her mother in ten years then maybe not. I'm not sure whether to reply now or after I've been to see Yvonne. Afterall, if I see Yvonne and there's been some change, I can update Diana on the situation. Compared to a couple of hours ago, I feel my thinking is more rational and I'm sure it's to do with that sleep. Despite my doubts, I do believe that the sleep has done me good. I can be more use to Zoe now, helping with Yvonne's care.

"You know what Charlie, I think I will have that coffee" I say standing up. My legs feel wobbly but that soon passes after a matter of seconds. Charlie smirks in my direction as I fish in my pocket for some money. I'd rather grab a drink from the machine than have Charlie make another one.

"Good man" Charlie mouths to me as I begin to walk out the room in the direction of resus.

When I get to resus, I stop outside the door. I feel like a little boy, pressing his face up against the glass of a sweet shop window. I see Zoe, hovering by Yvonne's bed, checking her stats. Tess is standing next to her. I see them look at each other, both of them trying to manage a weak smile. I know what they're thinking. It isn't looking good for Yvonne. I take a deep breath as I push the doors open, determined to keep those thoughts at bay.

Zoe's weak smile has turned into a full smile as she sees me enter the room. Even though she's smiling, it's not because she's happy. It's more of a sympathetic expression. She wanders over to me and puts her hand on my arm, rubbing it up and down. I respond to her gesture by wrapping my arm around her waist and resting my head upon hers. I don't know what I'd do without Zoe's support. She's whats helping get through this. After a few seconds, I take my arm away from my best friend and lean down towards my lover, still laid unconscious in the bed. I lift my hand and trance my finger down her pale cheek. Only now do I realise how bleak it is looking for her. She hasn't responded to the treatment we've given her. She hasn't regained consciousness in hours. I can't keep her laying here like this. I know she's in pain and I don't want that for Yvonne.

I have to let her go...

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**Okay, firstly I have to say how amazing was Michael French in last Saturday's episode! His performance was so heartbreaking!**

**I have one last chapter planned for this story. I apologize if this chapter seems a little rushed but I really wanted to get it up before this Saturday's episode. **

**As always, spelling and grammar errors are my own mistakes. Please review and tell me what you think! It's always appreciated.**

**X Natasha X**


	3. Chapter 3

24 minutes.

That's how long it's been since my hell has begun. That's how long it's been since I lost Yvonne.

I couldn't stay inside. There was no fresh air. I felt like I was suffocating in a sea of people; some my colleagues and some were total strangers. Walking outside, I felt like I was in a dreamlike state. My body had seemed to be on autopilot because my head certainly didn't feel like it had any control. As I had walked, my head bombarded me with memories of Yvonne. Good memories. Memories which would have normally of made me smile.

One that had stuck out above the rest had actually only happened a couple of days ago. Yvonne and I had gone out for a meal. It was gorgeous restaurant out in the countryside. Our table was outside on the decking. Because of the warm weather, it seemed like the perfect place to sit. We were right by a lake which glistened in the afternoon sun. It was perfect. The food, well the food was magnificent also. We'd both decided upon the lasagne for our main course. That was always the way with us. We always seemed to choose the same as the other. Great minds think alike! We were at the restaurant for a good couple of hours. Eating, talking. Just enjoying each other's company.

I'll never get that again. I'll never get to hold Yvonne's hand over the table whilst staring into her beautiful blue eyes. My own eyes begin to prick with tears again. I can't cry. Not again. I feel like I've cried so much over the past hour. That's one of the reasons I couldn't stay inside. To everyone in there, I am the boss. They see me as being the tough power figure; in charge of everything. They aren't used to seeing me in a state like this and I for one don't want them to.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see an older woman walk slowly towards me. She is looking directly at me. I know exactly who it is. Diana. She arrived only half an hour ago. She and I were with Yvonne when her life support machine was switched off. She literally only had 5 minutes with her only daughter. It was a short length of time but Diana couldn't bear for Yvonne to be in pain for too much longer. That ripped my heart out inside. I was unsure of whether I should have left Diana with her Yvonne. I didn't want to encroach if Diana wished to have a few moments alone with Yvonne. I think Diana had wanted me to stay but I didn't. I needed to leave resus and be on my own. It may have seemed selfish to some but every minute I stayed, the more I felt like screaming. I was desperate to scream about how unfair everything was.

Diana sits down silently beside me. She doesn't say anything. She's probably out here for exactly the same reason as me. I don't know what I should say to her either. I don't even know the woman. We've only been brought together by our relationships with Yvonne.

Every so often, she seems to turn her head slightly. I know she's looking at me. Is she hoping that I'll talk to her? Does she want me to give her a hug and tell her everything's okay?

"How long did you know Yvonne?"

Diana finally breaks the silence. I'm not sure whether I'm ready to answer Diana's questions but I suppose if I answer them now, I won't have to later.

"Just over a year" I respond simply. Diana nods and smiles at me. As I look at Diana, I can see a look of Yvonne in her. I think it's her smile. I quickly look away again, afraid I'll start crying in front of Diana. Diana puts a hand on my knee and I suddenly find myself putting my hand on top of hers, squeezing it tightly. I just want some comfort. I guess from someone who knows what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong, Zoe has been brilliant. More than brilliant even but she hasn't just lost someone close to her. Diana has. She can relate to how I'm feeling.

"She was a lucky girl. You seem like a nice man" adds Diana. This lovely comment makes me smile but I know I was the lucky one to meet Yvonne. She was beautiful, intelligent, everything I could have dreamed for. I take a deep breath of the fresh air. It's invigorating. It makes me feel refreshed. I suspect that's why I like the outdoors so much. I can get a clearer head outside. A silence begins to take over again and both Diana and I sit still on the bench staring at the bustling exterior of the ED.

Above all the sirens, I hear the familiar sound of high heeled shoes approaching. Diana, seeing Zoe come over, gets up. I don't mind her staying but I assume she feels that I would like to speak to Zoe in private. Diana puts one hand on my shoulder before she goes. She doesn't utter a word though.

As Diana meanders back towards the ED, Zoe takes up her place on the bench. She looks at me and I look at her. Out of the blue, I get an unexpected wave of emotion and I find myself with tears streaming from my eyes and down my reddened cheeks. My hands are beginning to shake. I can't even speak. Zoe almost immediately envelopes me into a hug. She conceals my face from the view of others as she wraps her arms round the upper half of my body. I feel limp. I can't return the hug. Instead, I find myself collapsing into her warm body with my arms hanging down by the sides of me. Zoe holds me tight and strokes my head gently. I can hear her trying to sooth me but I know nothing can. Not even her gentle voice whispering in my ear.

I turn my head slightly, just to get a little breeze and some air. Zoe still clutches onto me. As I look through the small gap under Zoe's arm, I see a few people looking our way. Jeff and Dixie included. I hope my sobs aren't that loud. I don't mean to draw attention to myself. I suddenly see Charlie emerge from the ED along with someone else. The other person points in our direction and Charlie begins to hurry over. He's not running though. I can feel Zoe move her head. She's obviously noticed the senior charge nurse coming our way. Zoe's grasp of me seems to tighten. It's almost as if she wants to protect me from everyone. Charlie included.

Charlie sits next to me even though I have my back to him.

"Nick?" he says quietly. I don't want to answer. I don't want to face him. I look a complete state. Although Charlie's helped me through some of the most difficult times, the only person I can bare to see me like this is of course Zoe.

"Charlie, it's okay. I'll stay with him" whispered Zoe, talking as if I weren't there. I hear Charlie sigh behind me. I know he's at a loss of what to do. He's never seen me like this. Ever. I hear him get up and walk away. This seems to be the routine for everyone today. Diana and now Charlie.

"I can't do it Zoe" I murmur once I know that Charlie is far enough away not to here. It's the truth. I can't do it. I can't keep on living life as if nothing has happened. A part of me feels as if it has been torn away. Lost forever. I'll never be able to find the missing piece.

The missing piece is Yvonne...

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**Sorry it's taken me an age to update this story! I didn't think I could add much more so I'm ending this story here. Having said that, I'm not that pleased with this chapter but I'd love to know what you think. If you like, please review. If you don't, please review. Constructive criticism is always appreciated.**

**X Natasha X**


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